Yesterday was a hard hard day for me. Ben didn't sleep much, and when he was awake, he was miserable, wanting to be held and have 100% attention from me. The night before had not been great, so consequently Ruth was tired and miserable too. I really struggled yesterday as I was also feeling rather exhausted. I felt like I was the only person in the whole world that looks after her children who are 17 months apart 24/7, the only one without any regular, consistent help, as well as doing all the homemaking stuff etc etc etc. I don't have any other outside 'things' that I do that are solely for me, completely unrelated to motherhood and wifedom. And most days, I am fine with that, but yesterday, yesterday I was very discontent and unhappy. And tired.
Hubby and I had a chat about it, and we resolved a few things. I know that in my heart we chose to have the children, we chose to have me at home full time, and this is what my heart really wants. But no-one can ever prepare you for how hard it is to parent two children under 2, day in, day out. I was struggling with the dichotomoy of wanting so much what I have, but also not wanting it for those few moments. Complicated woman or what?!
Anyway, we then watched Marley and Me. We thought it was going to be a cutesy dog film, but it totally and utterly reflected where I was at with the kids. Jennifer Aniston portrays a mother struggling with 2 small children, hubby being away a lot (and a crazy dog), and she talked through how it was so the right thing to be at home with them, but it was just so hard. In a previous scene, she had lost the plot a bit and her husband (Owen Wilson) suggested that she may be suffering from post-natal depression. She retorts with 'I'm not depressed, I'm just so exhausted'. I could so totally relate to this, and we laughed because it was a discussion that Hubby and I had had not an hour before (without the depression part, though I am sure he thinks it sometimes).
It was great for me to see that how I feel is just so very common indeed, so common it made it into a Hollywood film. I am not alone in this, however much it feels like it at times. I may not have the 'help' in my work as other people do (childcare, cleaners etc) but I know that I am doing what is best for my family and my husband. And as long as he thinks that I am doing a good job, at the end of the day that is all that really matters.
Hubby and I had a chat about it, and we resolved a few things. I know that in my heart we chose to have the children, we chose to have me at home full time, and this is what my heart really wants. But no-one can ever prepare you for how hard it is to parent two children under 2, day in, day out. I was struggling with the dichotomoy of wanting so much what I have, but also not wanting it for those few moments. Complicated woman or what?!
Anyway, we then watched Marley and Me. We thought it was going to be a cutesy dog film, but it totally and utterly reflected where I was at with the kids. Jennifer Aniston portrays a mother struggling with 2 small children, hubby being away a lot (and a crazy dog), and she talked through how it was so the right thing to be at home with them, but it was just so hard. In a previous scene, she had lost the plot a bit and her husband (Owen Wilson) suggested that she may be suffering from post-natal depression. She retorts with 'I'm not depressed, I'm just so exhausted'. I could so totally relate to this, and we laughed because it was a discussion that Hubby and I had had not an hour before (without the depression part, though I am sure he thinks it sometimes).
It was great for me to see that how I feel is just so very common indeed, so common it made it into a Hollywood film. I am not alone in this, however much it feels like it at times. I may not have the 'help' in my work as other people do (childcare, cleaners etc) but I know that I am doing what is best for my family and my husband. And as long as he thinks that I am doing a good job, at the end of the day that is all that really matters.
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