Pain of disappointment

Its been a while since the last post - and in that time we have been dealing with more pain related to our miscarriage. We now have no non-pregnant friends. Our best mates told us of their news at the end of September, and it signalled a melt-down for my husband and myself. We sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. But it was a healing experience, it felt like all of the pain of the previous three and a half months came gushing out with the tears, we hit rock bottom and began the climb back up again.

Last month, I really thought I was pregnant again, and perhaps I was, only to have it end as a chemical pregnancy, and we were okay with that.

But in the last couple of weeks, the friends that we are closest to have gone for their first scans, seeing the new life within them wriggling about and being alive. And that causes pangs, I'd be lying if I said it didn't. Pangs of disapppointment that we never got to experience that, pangs of 'if only'.

But, what has happened has happened. I am a mother of one in heaven. And I will be a mother of children in my arms too, someday. I have handed the control I want to have over the situation over to God, and it has been incrediably releasing. Now I need the courage to wait for his timing, and for the outworking of his will.


ellen said…
Even though it's not the same struggle, I can so relate to the pain and the feelings of "if only" (if only things had work out with the guy i fell so hard for last year...) and how watching everyone else in your life having what you want so desperately only highlights the pain even more.

I'm so sorry for your loss, for your continued wait. But I'm so proud of you for surrendering your desires to the Lord; thank you for the reminder that I must also continue to work on doing the same. I pray your faith will be strengthened and matured in this time of waiting.

(Also, if you're at all interested in reading a book related to this, I recommend "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb.)

Grace and Peace to you,
Jess said…
I'm praying for the peace that passes all understanding to flood your heart.

We have had two miscarriages, but both were after we had children. One of my best friends lost her first baby, and it was a completely different experience from mine. I know I can't imagine the depth of your heartache, but HE can. HE knows. HE sees. And HE is not random... He'll make beauty of these ashes and mourning will turn to laughing. I know it seems impossible, and we might not believe it if it wasn't written in His Word. But it is, so we can count on it.

All that to say, my heart really was touched by reading this post, and I wanted you to know it moved me to pray for you and your husband. May God richly bless you, giving you the children you desire!