Sorry to have been away for a while

August was a busy month for not being in the office much! Hence no updates.

Personally, I am struggling with the loss of our baby. The emotional side of things seems to have really kicked in now, 3 months on. Delayed reaction or what? But what I think makes it hard is that since losing our precious one, 5 of my 'real-life' friends have announced pregnancies, two of whom I am quite close to, and get to watch as their bodies and lives expand to accomodate this new life. One friend in particular found out she was pregnant almost on the day that I lost our baby, and thus is due 2 weeks after I would have been. On top of that, 3 of my daily blogs (out of 20) are written by ladies in the same happy 'just found out I am pregnant' state.

I am happy for each and every one of my friends, and want to care for them as much as I can. I never thought I would be a person who would avoid her pregnant friends as it is too painful, but I fear I am becoming that person. We are due to stay with a pregnant friend this weekend, and then attend the party of another pregnant friend next weekend. And I find myself not wanting to go, fearing the pain that it will bring. But I have to go, I will not make these ladies feel in any way guilty or embarrassed about their pregnancies just because I am struggling. I am also hoping that exposure therapy will snap me out of my funk.

Another point I am struggling with is the fact that each of these pregnancies (the real-life ones, I have no idea about the bloggy ones!) are a first pregnancy with no previous histories of miscarriages. Why did my baby have to die? Why can't I still be pregnant with my first baby like everyone else? Why do I have to carry this pain, for it hurts so so much? My husband is struggling too, often he will hold me when I sob for the unfairness, the pain and anguish, the loss, the jealousy, with tears in his eyes.

But one thing that has been wonderful has been the strong support of my husband. He holds me, lets me cry, tells me he understands. He is my strength when I crumple. He doesn't tell me I should be over it, or that he can't believe I am crying again. He holds me. He loves me. And for that, I am so very blessed.

Comments

Mrs. Brigham said…
Di,

I saw your comment over on Making Home and it really touched my heart. I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my prayers.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and it was a total shock and devastation to me. The truth took awhile to sink in and I could not cry for several weeks. I, too, had several friends who became pregnant around the same time I was and that was an experience that really pained me. I recently had another early miscarriage and this hurts as well. Please do not feel guilty for anything you are feeling and do not feel poorly if you do need to avoid expectant friends a bit. There is nothing wrong with anything you are feeling right now and regardless of what anybody tells you, grieving in your own unique way is fine and even beneficial. Cry, write about your miscarriage, pray, name your precious little one, whatever you need to do.

Please take care of yourself dear sister and know that love & prayers are being sent your way during this most difficult time.
ellen said…
Oh, Di, while I've never experienced miscarriage, this post really hit home. Two of my closest friends are planning their weddings and I have several good friends who are pregnant. It's HARD to be surrounded by what you so desperately want, hard to be constantly reminded of what you've lost. Shattered hope is devastating. And it's hard to reconcile being thrilled for someone else while experiencing anguish for yourself when their joy highlights your loss.

I pray you'll continue to have the freedom to mourn the loss of your precious little one. I'm glad your husband is being so supportive--may your shared loss bring you closer together and closer to the One who loves you perfectly.
Renee said…
Di,

Obviously I'm incredibly late to comment, but I just wanted to add that I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and hope you're continuing to take care of yourself. You're in my prayers.
Paulina said…
I know this was years ago but this is why I love the blog world I can find that I'm not the only one that has gone through the pain of loosing a baby and that we who have experience similar feelings that other people would not understand, blog world has been such a blessing!